Love: Journey or Destination (I Walk the Line)
If love is a journey, then two people should be able to love one another without needing to know where it is going. Why must a chance of marriage be noted and confirmed in order for some relationships to survive? Why must people commit to only one partner is they are on a journey together? When we take journeys in life, we do not necessarily end up in the same place that our partner does. We may find another route that takes us in a new exciting place that we may not ever experience.
I am not condoning that one becomes unfaithful in a relationship. Instead, I am asking people to realize that a relationship does not need to be specific as to where it is going and that at the same time, it does not need to be with the same people.
Some lead an adventurous life, while others like to have plans and know what is ahead.
A destination is not all bad. A couple may strive to be something great together and work toward that in that it a wonderful journey. For some, it is a comfortable way or travel to know that they are eventually getting somewhere. Travel can be risky and tiring and to those who feel that way, strenuous travel is only worth experiencing when there is a reward they can accept in the future.
People should be able to choose one or the other. Not be told it is simply a journey.
As for me, I have been on a journey of love, yet I am traveling alone. I’ve talked about a destination with a man I often travel with in other places, but he does not see a destination ever in our future. He is certain he will never have a destination in his life and would rather be a wanderer.
At the very least, I’d like to at least be told I am the only traveling partner he wants around for this part of his journey.
It’s hard to love someone who doesn’t love you back.
Home: A Physical or Mental Place?
It occurred to me the other night that I do not have a home. I am currently “living” with Bear in MAriposa, California. I no longer have a place rented in Madison and all of my belongings and currently kept within a storage unit. Some people that rent and move a lot will not refer to the place that they are living as home, but rather call the place where their parents live home.
Unfortunately, I am not welcome in either my mother’s or my father’s home. This is when I initially thought that I had no home, but then I though, “Why must home be a physically destination?”
I’d like to define home, in the perspective of what I see it to represent. Home to me is a feeling, not a place. It is feeling wanted, accepted and loved. That feeling can be stationary under a roof and referred to as home, but it can also be sought out in friendships, in communities and most importantly within oneself.
There may not be a door I can walk through and shout,”I’m home!” but I can walk outside and look at the mountains, think about the love I have for my friends and how it is reciprocated and shout “I am home!” knowing that I am wanted and loved where I am in life.
Achieving Non-Existent Peace
Be it country to country, neighbour to neighbour, or within oneself, I am beginning to fall to the conclusion that achieving peace is an impractical idea. Don’t get me wrong, I’m all for the idea of a community in which everyone can get along, but I understand that the idea of such a community is unrealistic. On a consistent basis I see people making obscene judgments based on skin colour, social status and anything else one can conjure up just from a sixty second stare down.
Forget actually talking to a person, that doesn’t allow you to get to know someone…
We live in a world where it is each man (or woman!) for themselves. I would say that I concede to it being a tough world we live in, if that idea itself were true, but it is not.
Today I witnessed a fast-food joint refuse water to a homeless teenager because he was not a patron. Sure, the teenager could go find a public bubbler or something of the sort, but I don’t understand why it was made out to be such a big deal. I went into the establishment myself to speak to the manager, and was informed if you aren’t a patron, you have no rights to water. The heat index today in my city was 110 degrees and somehow we couldn’t find it in our hearts to help out the homeless. Trust me, the water loss the business will suffer will not hurt them. We have no pressing issue with fresh water for our citizens.
In fact, it is disgusting to think how over supplied America. Children go to sleep at night with hunger pangs because their parents are unable to support them while there are droves and droves of preserved over-manufactured goods that line the shelves are the literally countless stores across America. The only purpose that this food serves them is the mere pleasure of glancing through it through the glass as night, like some cliche movie clip of a child gleaming at prospective Christmas gifts.
I have had times personally, where scrambling to find rent and tuition money I came up with only a few dollars to feed myself. I walked with anger down the streets as I looked into the windows of the fancy downtown diners, wondering what they did that I am not doing that entitles them to spend $100.00 on a “casual outing” while I am doing my math to see how many cans of refried beans I can with $12.00 and how much that means I can actually consume over the next ten days…
I am judged because I am not financially stable, yet I have not been giving into luxuries for myself. This is surely all my fault. I went to school and got a technical degree. I went back to school at a four year until I could no longer afford it. I would like to apply for your 12.00/HR office job, but sadly I lack the type of degree you require for your entry level position you are offering.
I don’t even have it bad. I am white and was raised by an upper-middle class family. I was given the essential tools for prospering in this country with the exception of a penis. So why aren’t I successful?
I do not know. If I knew, I’d obviously solve my own riddle and I wouldn’t be in this predicament. It brings me back to the whole reason why I started this blog; to see if there is some form of fate in our lives. Perhaps there is a reason why I am a struggling college educated woman who can’t land a job that pays more than $9.00/HR…and that is with a degree.
Two Weeks (Less Than)
I woke up this morning at exactly 9:05am. I found this to be extremely significant as my plane departing Milwaukee to San Francisco is at 9:05am exactly two weeks from today. It is as if my mind knew I was missing some historic point in the count down to my move to California. If my mind doesn’t know, my body certainly does. I have been so ill with nerves, freaking out about getting everything in order.
I have my plane ticket, my train ticket, and a bunny sitter for my bunny. I still need to get a storage unit, which I will do my final week and move all my stuff in there. I guess there really is nothing else I can do until the final week, because I cannot move all my stuff right now. I just feel like there is more to be done.
I am almost settled in financially, which is an awesome feeling. If you can throw a few dollars my way, that would be amazingly helpful at:
Aside from the trip, life is going well. I feel as though things are falling into place. The only thing negative that could possibly come of this trip is it not going as planned, which things generally never do, but at least it’ll be an adventure.
Panic Attacks and Packing Attacks
In roughly two weeks I will be moving 2,000 miles away. Well, according to Google Maps it is only 1,999 miles away…
I have never been one to handle stress quite well, so this is proving to be quite the test. I have my flight ticket and Amtrak ticket taken care of. I still have 239471347895289345 other things to do though. I just realized I do not own a suitcase or any form of luggage, so I am working on getting on of those. I still need to rent out a storage unit for my belongings and also figure out how I am coming up with the money for my phone bill. Those are my two main concerns.
I am pretty excited about my YouTube channel though, just this morning I got an additional 10 subscribers so far and 300 more views. Seems small in comparison to what the big names get, but it is definitely a small stepping stone.
In you want to help out with expenses, please use the donation link below for PayPal; it is safe and TRUST ME all donations go to getting my ass to California.
“Where Are You From…Where Are You Going?”
My favourite mural reads just that in the Hyde Park district of Chicago. I find it both haunting and inspiring. The question looms over my head on a daily basis…”Where AM I going?” Part of me would like to label myself as a carefree person, but in reality I am constantly analyzing every move I make, trying to figure out if the right decision was made. Figuring out where I am from is almost more of a challenge than figuring out where I am going. I can always alter the future, but I cannot change what actions have already been made. Answering where I am from is a demand to self identify and pick specifics from my past that I want to represent me; This is something I may not actually want to do.
I thought of this mural today while I walked around the cold, silent state capitol of Wisconsin. The feelings I have inside the Capitol are almost entirely opposite of what I felt in the months of February and March. The ghostly halls and lack of human interaction forced me to interact with myself and I was forced to think and reflect. Sadly, I began to question why I was even there. Was it all worth it? Is it all worth it?
When I left Milwaukee, I left my home of 19 years, my job and I left my University. I literally dropped everything that I believed defined me and placed myself on a clean slate, a blank page to write new defining terms. Five months later I question whether or not I discovered anything new and whether or not I accomplished anything. I tried to settle myself by justifying the whole monumental/historical aspect of the protests, but even that isn’t working. Everything thing is historical. Everything comes and then goes, making it history. What I find historical isn’t historical to the person sitting next to me in this library. Maybe they won a major basketball game, which becomes a historical tale to tell for them. We choose what we individually want to see as historical, and perhaps if I had stayed in Milwaukee, I’d have something historical in another manner.
I then realised though, that even though I feel as though nothing new came of me here; I still most certainly found my defining points. No one ever taught me local government. My parents never sat me down and told me who I should and shouldn’t support, nor did my public school ever even mention local government. Somehow I developed over the years life experiences that made me want to always be well educated in local, regional and national government. That’s me, and I would have been involved no matter what my location.
Unfortunately, I feel defeat. Whether it is the actual defeat in the loss of stopping the state budget, the Budget Repair Bill and its union busting ways or just an overwhelming sense that little old me isn’t enough to change the minds of politicians, I couldn’t tell you. What I can tell you is that I have no remorse in making the statement that I can’t wait to get the hell out of Wisconsin and away from the political field. That doesn’t make me a bad person and it doesn’t mean I stopped caring, but sometimes people need a break.
Where am I from? I’m someone who spends their time reading and writing. That’s pretty much it. My interests are politics, history and music, but I can pretty much be summed up in reading and writing.
Where am I going? Somewhere that can possibly open my mind up and allow me to become more than the girl that reads and writes. I’m not sure where I am going, but am excited to learn where that is.
The Ticket to California
I have bought my ticket to California, which now makes this feel a little more real. The whole idea of going to California is still a surreal idea to me, since I have never done anything quite like it in the past. I’m not going to be working on my plans too much today, as I am feeling extraordinarily ill. It may be due to nerves; good nerves! To be honest, the only real negative thing at the moment, is the idea of being so far away from my best friend, who means the world to me.
Like I stated in a previous post, I fear I may not come back to Wisconsin after the internship concludes. We will see…
I don’t really have much more of an update today, aside from my video update.
Internship With Bear at Yosemite
Today I officially accepted the offer of the internship at Yosemite. I am planning to schedule a flight on August 1 to California. I will putting all of my belongings in storage here in Madison, as I do not know how long I will remain in California. I am beyond excited.
Now I really need to crack down on the funding for this internship. I have a goal of $1,200.00 to be raised by July 25. Yes, this seems like a short time away, and it is, but I am going to be going around talking to local businesses to see if I can get sponsored. This will be covering my travel, which estimates at $900.00 in the end alone, as well as technical expenses and assistance in the move/storage.
I want people to realize I am not taking this internship to go goof off. Surely, I do intend to have fun, as one should on an internship, but I am looking to gain skillful knowledge to bring back here to the Midwest. I have a tendency of thinking I can change the world; this is one of those moments.
-Peace and Love,
Lisa Erin Brown
If you could donate anything, even as small as $5.00, please refer to the link below.
INTERNSHIP AT YOSEMITE NATIONAL PARK
The opportunity has presented itself for me to intern at the farm of Paul Vasquez, who is most famously known as the “Double Rainbow Guy.”
I need help in raising money for my transportation fees, because this is one hell of an opportunity I would LOVE to do.
Here is a message from him to me:
Thanks for the message. I checked out your channel, you’re amazing. Really brave, smart, beautiful, enlightened, talented. You are what I would hope I would attract to come learn from me and help me. It’s incredible here, my land is Spiritually charged, it’s a Goddess attracter, go through my videos and you’ll see this. My girlfriend Sage has her Masters in psychology, she’s an Indian sweat leader, shaman, herbalist, Lakota Indian Sun Dancer and lots of other things. There are lots of powerful women who are part of this place including my daughter Irene who has her bachelors in environmental studies and economics from UC Santa Cruz and is a Yosemite Indian. There is nobody living here full time right now. Sage is trying to figure it out but she has a big house with horses and an 11 year old daughter and her daughter’s dad lives where she lives about 3 1/2 hours from me so it’s tough. Sage spends lots of time here as does lots of the other women but none of them live here, every body is trying to figure out how they can all make it so we can all live here together on a sustainable community, healing center, organic farm, tour business etc. Dez came and volunteered with me July 2009 and had her bachelors in women’s studies from UC Berkley, she’s trying to figure it out. Meghan and Lilia lived here last year summer for 6 weeks and are now in Thailand, Meghan is in the Peace Corps and Lillia is working in an eco tourism company. They both want to be part of the community here.
There is something very special going on here, rainbows came to us as signs that we are doing Gods work.
I hope you get to experience it. Bear.
http://yosemitebear.net/
http://www.couchsurfing.org/people/yosemitebear/
Please, if you can donate even a tiny amount of money, it will help me reach my goal. Please use the below link for donations. I can assure you that all money is going strictly towards the help of me getting to Yosemite.
Thank you and please, REPOST WIDELY
